i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
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I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
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Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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