I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This baby is an asshole
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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