When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
