I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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