you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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