Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
