never play flip cup with pint glasses
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
