My hair reeks of homosexuality.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
