i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
And then my night got REAL pukey
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
