9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
