I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
