Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he was CRYING into my vagina
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
