maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
