I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
