Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
