remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
