I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
