I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
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I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
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I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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