Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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