Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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