If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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