I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
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True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
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So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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