I'm so fucking centered right now
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
