I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
