I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
im having a threesome with these popsicles
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
