I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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