Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
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I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
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Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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