ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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