yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
