Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
