Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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