I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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