Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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