he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
