i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
