it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
