...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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