bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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