I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
