Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
How does one acquire holy water?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
