watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
