I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
