Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
