I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
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Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
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You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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