I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
