The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
