I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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