FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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