it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize