Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
