going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
