i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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